"Well it’s clearly not leaving without you. And you’re not leaving any time soon. So we have no choice but to keep the camel."
"You seem pretty forward about keeping it. Also, I have no idea if I’m leaving or not."
"Huh. Well, looks like we don’t have any choice but to keep it."
"What are you talking about it? We can’t keep it, it’s a camel, and it’s not a pet."
"So… now there’s a camel on my couch. And it’s staying?" She tilted her head, frowning at the small creature that was snoozing on her cushions. It wasn’t the worst thing that could’ve happened, but it was odd.
"I guess. I haven’t been able to get it to leave. I told it to go away, and then it came in through the window. So now I don’t know what to do about it."
"It followed me home." Yes, the baby camel was on her couch. Yes, it seemed to be living with them now. No, Han had not found a way to get rid of the creature.
“And someone to talk to Lord Han,” Katsuyu said in response. “Lady Tsunade is always so busy and I get lonely. Also, I don’t like wild onions.”
In truth the slug felt a bit bad for tricking the small, small to her at least man, but Lady Tsunade had insisted on her keeping up with the farce and the summon respected the Sannin too much to go against her.
“I’m sure you are hot in your armor Lord Han. We should go somewhere shady.”
"I am not a lord, so do not refer to me as one. Also, I am not one you would enjoy talking to. Should I ask why you do not like wild onions?" He really didn’t know what the slug really wanted, seeing as it was a talking slug who had been panhandling before, but he would deal with it. "I am not hot. The heat is nothing compared to those of the flames that consumed me. I do question why you are trying to be around me, when you have so many other caretakers."
Her nose twitched in put upon annoyance. “Don’t put her in water, just make a small dish of it and feed her flowers. Lady Katsuyu can give you specifics on her favorites.”
Tsunade stood up and stepped back from the desk. It was worth the small bit of chakra she was consuming to keep the miniature slug here. Han needed a friend and Lady Katsuyu was so polite, it was hard to get annoyed with her.
“Just take her and go, otherwise she’ll simply chased after you again.”
Han looked down at the slug, clearly he was going to have to figure out how to deal with this creature. Water and flowers did not seem to be something that would be hard to provide. After all, they seemed to be everywhere.
"As you wish." And with that, he unceremoniously picked up the slug, looking down at it as if to try to see what it might be thinking, before walking out of earshot of the Hokage.
"Alright, let’s see if we can go a day without getting you killed. All you need is food and water, correct?"
"Jealous, jealous… now quit talking bullshit. She simply happens to annoy me, how is that so hard to get?”
“—I’d even go as far as to say I’m more skilled than her.”
"If that is the case, why are you acting like you are threatened by her presence?"
”I know there’s nothing wrong, but I don’t like her that way!”
"I’m not jealous of her hair either, goddammit!”
"Well if you’re not jealous, then why are you so angry? I mean, it seems like you feel somehow lesser with her beauty and hair and skill as a shinobi."
❝ ——Murder sex!? What the hell are you talking about!?
I don’t wanna have sex with Temari, geez!❞
"Well, it sure seems like you do, in order to get one over on her. After all, you could claim her virginity if she is one I suppose."
Tsunade was up like a shot, scooping a half drowned Katsuyu out of the bucket. “She doesn’t breath under water idiot. She isn’t a fish.”
The blonde laid Katsuyu on her desk and squatted down to eye level with the summon. “You have to take her with you now. Poor thing is so traumatized that you tried to kill her, she can’t even speak.”
"I wasn’t going to drown her. I was trying to soak her in water so she wouldn’t dry out." Which he thought she was. "If she’s vertical, she should be able to breathe while soaking and absorbing the water." He wasn’t trying to drown her, after all she clearly didn’t deserve that if she was dying. "So, what exactly am I supposed to do to take care of her? I’ve never taken care of another living thing before." Not even a house plant.
❝ ——I’d rather steal her and then kill her. Everything would end up better;
but, rivarly wouldn’t be interesting then.❞
"I see. So you’re into murder sex? Well, I suppose violent murder and sex both require a lot of passion."
"I don’t believe I am the one who’s been rendered as such. I never struggled with others, only with the beast I have sealed inside, and thanks to the support of others; I was able of containing it. To let yourself be consumed by the hatred is how you will become the monsters you say others believe we are."
"You speak as though you do not understand. I believe you are insane, as a coping mechanism, but that would not explain your appearance. You possess no scars, no marks of suffering or torment. Who are you, and from where do you hail? Your clothing is like nothing I have seen before, so perhaps that explains why your world view is so false."
WHY WOULD I KISS A GIRL THAT STEALS BOYFRIENDS!?❞
"Well, maybe you wanted to steal her away from them. After all, what better way to teach them a lesson by stealing her yourself?"
"Don’t be stupid, that’s not it. It’s that woman in particular. Just… let’s not go there.”
"Look, there is nothing wrong with liking her that way. Unless I’m misreading this and you’re jealous of her long flowing blonde hair compared to yours."